Thursday, February 22, 2018

Useful Rage

“Useful Rage”

by Peter Rengel, M.A.

It is relevant here to convey the last part of the story about my starting my private practice again in Marin in 1985.  I was continuing to love myself while I was “failing,” but still nothing was moving in the outer world.  One day there was a huge rainstorm.  I got the inexplicable urge to go up to Mount Tamalpais.  I pulled on my boots and my rain pancho and drove to the top.  As I got out of my car, there were no other people or vehicles around because the storm was fierce.  I walked into the middle of the chaos wondering what I was doing there.  I sat down to meditate on a rock while being pelted by the rain and blasted by the wind.  Once again, still without judging myself, I began to cry about how my life was failing.  Suddenly, I felt as if I was struck by a bolt of lightning,  which was actually an internal explosion of rage.

I started stomping around in the storm, yelling from the pit of my belly, “I’m tired of all this bullshit!”  “I’m tired of nothing happening!”  “I’m tired of accepting all of this and being a nice guy!”  “I deserve to have clients.  Now!”  “I have incredible gifts to give!”  “I’m tired of waiting!”  “Now is the time!  Not next year or next month or next week.  Right now!”  “All of Marin is mine!  The Bay Area is mine!  California is mine!  The whole world is my playground!”

I pounded on my chest like Tarzan.  Indiscernible sounds poured out of me.  I found myself picking up rocks and hurling them.  It felt as if testosterone was coursing through every cell of my Being.  I loved it!  I ranted and raved for more than an hour, feeling more powerful by the minute.  The storm became my partner as I stepped into my fury.  The wind blew harder as I yelled louder.  As my anger increased, the storm picked up simultaneously.  We were harmonious allies.  Finally, I knew that I was finished.  I thanked the raging storm which, by now, seemed like a friendly pussycat to me.

I walked off that mountain feeling more potent than ever.  When I arrived back home, on my answering machine were two messages inquiring about my work.  Soon thereafter, without doing anything additional, more people began calling for sessions.  Finally, my private practice had been successfully launched.  In retrospect, that outpouring of righteous rage was the perfect ritual to create my passage from childhood to adulthood.

Righteous Rage

Expressing your rage

Can move your stance

Out of living ‘in victim’

Into declaring yourself

The master of your mind.

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